My book is free on Kindle until end of day Tuesday and paperback now only $6 and hardback $12

My book is Free on Kindle until end of day Tuesday, June 28, 2022. This is a promotion Amazon allows me to do once every 3 months for 5 days so I will try to continue doing every 3 months. After that it will be only $2.99, and my paperback only $6 and hardback only $12 on Amazon. These will be the prices for a while or possibly permanently, and are almost the lowest I can offer to even break even. The Audible price for the audio book will still be $13.03, because I do not control that price, or you can get it free with an Audible subscription or trial. I will continue to donate at least 10 percent of my profits from any of these, even if small, and any profits from ads on my website and podcast to related charities. Just go to the link below to access any of them….

Bio: Amanda Dodson Gremillion published her first book in 2012. She began revising it in 2019 and republished it as Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine. The story chronicles her experience with severe postpartum OCD, anxiety and depression. Amanda is a graduate of Auburn University, and now lives in Calera, Alabama, with her husband, Jay, their daughter, Aubrie, and their two dogs, Honey Girl and Cooper. She hopes to write more books in the future. Follow Amanda’s journey on Facebook,  or twitter at https://twitter.com/AmandaGremilli2 and order her book here.  Also, follow her on the Mighty here Amanda Dodson Gremillion | The Mighty Contributor or listen to her podcast here Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine • A podcast on Anchor . You can also find her on Instagram here Amanda Dodson Gremillion (@justbuyheradress) • Instagram photos and videos. Amanda is also a Community Champion for a website and app about physical and mental health called Kopa which can be found at www.kopa.com.

What Helps Amanda, 39, with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

Normally when I have something published by the Mighty, a mental health website, it is usually a blog I have already published here, but this time, it is a submission I sent in regarding what helps me manage my illness. Please check it out at the link below….

Bio: Amanda Dodson Gremillion published her first book in 2012. She began revising it in 2019 and republished it as Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine. The story chronicles her experience with severe postpartum OCD, anxiety and depression. Amanda is a graduate of Auburn University, and now lives in Calera, Alabama, with her husband, Jay, their daughter, Aubrie, and their two dogs, Honey Girl and Cooper. She hopes to write more books in the future. Follow Amanda’s journey on Facebook,  or twitter at https://twitter.com/AmandaGremilli2 and order her book here.  Also, follow her on the Mighty here Amanda Dodson Gremillion | The Mighty Contributor or listen to her podcast here Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine • A podcast on Anchor . You can also find her on Instagram here Amanda Dodson Gremillion (@justbuyheradress) • Instagram photos and videos. Amanda is also a Community Champion for a website and app about physical and mental health called Kopa which can be found at www.kopa.com.

Music Therapy

I was recently contacted by Joseph, who is part of the Community Outreach team at White House Recovery & Detox, and their goal is to educate the public on life skills and essential therapies and resources for mental health and wellness, in hopes to raise awareness and prevention.  

After reviewing my website, they thought their new article on Music and Mental Health would be an excellent addition to my resources and I agreed, which you can see here, https://recoveryatwhitehouse.com/music-therapy-and-mental-health/ . I have also added their main website as a resource on the About section of my website.

Here is some more helpful information Joseph provided: “As you may know, mental health issues are at an all-time high with more cases of anxiety and depression than ever before. The silver lining to the pandemic is that the stigma around mental health has dropped, making it easier for people to seek the help they need. One type of therapy I’ve found interesting to learn about is music therapy. According to the American Music Therapy Association, music therapy is an evidence-based practice of a board-certified music therapist to help clients achieve non-music goals such as improving mental health and recovering from addiction.”

I have actually been meaning to add more to a newer section on my site called “Music and Mental Health” including some blogs and podcasts about how music has helped improve my own mental health, so keep an eye out for new posts on that soon! Please feel free to share in the comments how music has helped your mental health and what music specifically and how? Or as always, feel free to share with me privately if you want me to share your story confidentially.

Raising Yourself

There is a Facebook page I follow and love so I wanted to share the website here and some content from it. I have also added it to the About section of my site.

“Hi! I’m Shelly Robinson, the heart and soul behind Raising Yourself. I am so glad you’re here.

When I first became a mom, I remember being so thrilled about the opportunity to teach my children all the things I wanted them to know. I was bubbling over with wisdom I wanted to impart, lessons I wanted to teach. Oh, I thought I knew so much.

Now, nearly a decade into this parenting gig, I have learned that they had far more to teach me than I had to teach them.”

https://www.shellyrobinson.com/

Bio: Amanda Dodson Gremillion published her first book in 2012. She began revising it in 2019 and republished it as Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine. The story chronicles her experience with severe postpartum OCD, anxiety and depression. Amanda is a graduate of Auburn University, and now lives in Calera, Alabama, with her husband, Jay, their daughter, Aubrie, and their two dogs, Honey Girl and Cooper. She hopes to write more books in the future. Follow Amanda’s journey on Facebook,  or twitter at https://twitter.com/AmandaGremilli2 and order her book here.  Also, follow her on the Mighty here Amanda Dodson Gremillion | The Mighty Contributor or listen to her podcast here Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine • A podcast on Anchor . You can also find her on Instagram here Amanda Dodson Gremillion (@justbuyheradress) • Instagram photos and videos. Amanda is also a Community Champion for a website and app about physical and mental health called Kopa which can be found at www.kopa.com.

Autism and Depression Resources

Recently I had Martina Maseko, the Outreach Coordinator with Elemy ask if I could add these valuable resources below to my site and after looking them over I was more than happy to share. I have also added these to the About Section of my site. Elemy is an innovative, tech-forward provider of in-home and online applied behavior analysis to help children on the autism spectrum meet their unique needs.

They recently created a free educational guide on autism and suicidal thoughts. This resource explains how to recognize warning signs in neurodivergent individuals and discusses suicide risk factors and prevalence. Important topics, such as treatment options and advice for parents, are also covered.

Please take a look:
https://www.elemy.com/studio/mood-disorders/autism-and-suicidal-thoughts

https://www.elemy.com/studio/mood-disorders/depression (ASD and overlapping depression guide)

Moving House After the Death of a Loved One

Added an infographic from https://threemovers.com/

Just Buy Her A Dress and She'll Be Fine

https://threemovers.com/

Image provided by https://threemovers.com/. This is a guest post, written by Lucille Rosetti. You can find more information about her, her book Life After Death: A Wellness Guide for the Bereaved and other articles at bereaved.org. When I went through severe postpartum depression, dealing with the death of two family members was one of the many things that left me feeling overwhelmed, so when she asked to share this story on here I was totally on board. Hope some of you find it helpful…

Moving House After the Death of a Loved One

Navigating grief is a personal journey, and there’s no set time frame of when you need to approach the emotional and practical aspects surrounding the death of a loved one. Following the death of a loved one, you’ll feel raw and overwhelmed. At some stage, however, you’ll need to take steps towards creating a…

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Mental Health and Violence

I am part of a wonderful group on Facebook and someone in the group just shared a post earlier this week. they allowed me to share it here while keeping them confidential:

“So today it’s my turn to share something I’ve been struggling with in the hopes that it can help someone else. I had one of those moments where you suddenly figure something out and wonder how the hell you missed it. For the last couple of months, I have been subconsciously holding my breath. I’ll be working or driving or just goofing off watching Youtube, just regular activities, and suddenly I’m out of breath and I realize I’ve been holding it without meaning to. It really freaked me out. Imagine if you looked down and found a note in your handwriting that you had no memory of writing. Your hand just wrote it without your conscious direction. It’s really disturbing. So, I looked it up. Apparently subconscious breath holding is not uncommon. It’s an indicator of stress. It seems like such a ridiculous thing. Most folks get headaches, or stomach trouble, or high blood pressure, but I gotta be different. Apparently, my body’s reaction to stress is to try and choke myself out. The problem is, I don’t feel stressed. I’m generally pretty happy. Life is good for me these days. It’s really been bugging me. I’ve been doing breathing meditation and fasting- both are easy ways to reduce stress and it has been helping. Then, today it finally clicked. I was talking with a coworker about how rough the last couple of years have been when it hit me. It’s not just the last couple of years. In the last 9 years I’ve moved back home, I’ve changed jobs three times, all three of my remaining grandparents have died, my Dad died, my stepmother died, my niece died from a brain tumor, a close friend committed suicide, my mother had a stroke, I lost two friends to Covid, then my wife and I got Covid and on top of all that, the government shot our economy in the foot right in the middle of me trying to build a new house. It suddenly occurred to me that I’ve spent almost a decade waiting on the next punch in the gut. So that brings me to a question. How many of us are walking around stressed the hell out and don’t realize it? How much of the violence and general craziness going on these days is because of people just like me? But they finally hit that last straw.”

First, I want to say that those last few comments speak volumes. As a society, we spend a lot of time arguing about gun control. I personally am not a fan of guns, I constantly worry about my daughter being shot at school, but this just started becoming a major concern towards the end of my time in high school in the late 90’s. Right before Columbine, there was a shooting at a high school in Pearl, Mississippi, the one my now husband would have attended had he not moved in 7th grade. He knew some people who were shot but recovered, he knew some people on the list the killer never made it to and he grew up down the street from the killer. The reason this story was not as big as Columbine, is because not as many were killed, because the Vice Principal of the school went to his truck, got his personal gun out, and held it on the student to stop him from hurting more, and possibly moving onto the middle school. The student was arrested and is still in jail today. He did not get the chance to kill more students or himself. The Vice Principal was awarded by some for this, and condemned by others for holding a gun on a student. I personally think he did the right thing, and this was one of the few examples of a good guy with a gun actually working out well.

Because of this and because this developing into an issue as I aged, I know it is not guns alone or it would have been before then of course. However, we are also the only country who has this issue so bad and also has the loosest gun control, so I see why some gun control is reasonable to many. I always read stories from other countries about the first major killing in a decade, and it will be a bow and arrow attack that killed a few people, or a car driving into people (which also happens here). I also once read about a school stabbing comparable to a school shooting here in regards to the number attacked, but none died in the stabbing while many died in the shooting. There is also a big focus on mental health. I think this is a little closer to the root of the problem, but still not as simple as that. Most people who snap and do something violent have not been diagnosed with major mental disorders, and some thinking this actual contributes to a stigma. Most people diagnosed with mental disorders do not hurt anyone. Mental health is like physical health and due to a number of environmental and genetic factors, anyone’s mental health can get bad. Now if someone does not get proper help and treatment, of course this can make things worse, but many cannot afford the help they need.

In the last few decades in America, the rich have become richer, the poor poorer despite some working more than one full time job, so in most cases this is not laziness or not working hard. I live in Alabama and the fact that I wish we were more like some countries who have universal healthcare, some even free or more affordable college and daycare, sick days, vacation days, paid maternity and paternity leave and way longer leave than we have, puts me in the minority here. Actually, that is not completely true. So many people I talk to, even ones whose voting expresses the opposite, say they are for these things as well. I don’t think most of those countries have billionaires or not as many as us, but they still have plenty of millionaires, but there is this understanding that when people have their basic needs met, it benefits all of society. There is less crime, and everyone is healthier, physically and mentally, so the cost of healthcare goes down. There is an understanding that taxes are not a bad thing when most of it actually goes towards the greater good through education, infrastructure, healthcare, childcare and other things we all benefit from. Even if you do not have children, someone else having childcare that allows them to be at a job to perform a service for you is to your benefit.

However, many see this type of thinking as globalism and a danger to society, personal responsibility, freedom and independence. People will tell you we are the most charitable country as an argument that we should not be forced into any of that, and should be able to continue doing it as we wish, but that is only because we have to be charitable for survival. Go Fund Me’s often pay for life saving treatments for people. Some around us would not eat or have healthcare or other basic needs if we did not constantly help and you often even do it in case you end up in the same situation, because you hope others would do the same for you. The percentage of money donated and taxes paid by those that have not much more than them, while others who could more easily help and either don’t, or don’t do enough is what happens when you count on people to just do the right thing. Many right above the poverty line start to resent those who are poor enough to get help, instead of resenting the rich. People are having less children or no children at all because there is no village anymore, it often feels like every man for himself. But we are not alone, you are not alone, we are all in this together and it is time we started acting more like that and helping each other more.

I related to my anonymous source’s post so much and even though I never did anything violent, I better understood how people get to that point after all I went through. Going through what I did changed my political beliefs and religious beliefs. I am not writing this to try and convert anyone else to my own beliefs. My anonymous source is actually a Libertarian, not a Democrat or Republican. We agree on many things, but not everything. It is hard to find anyone you agree with everything on, but there are so many things we do all agree on that I wish we could just do for the benefit of society, no matter what the party name is of the people we elect to carry it out. In a period of three years, my father died, I had my first child, my grandfather died, I was laid off from my job and my husband left. We eventually worked things out, but at the time neither of us realized how much those other things had affected me.

I had always been a very positive person and honestly quite judgmental of people who were constantly negative, or seemed to seek attention. We all have problems in life and death and layoffs and things like that are just a part of life I thought, and parenting is hard, even though they had never been a part of my life yet, especially all at one time. As these things happened to me, no matter how hard it got, I would say and think things like, things happen for a reason, there is a good reason this is happening, etc. I continued to care for others and put others above myself even when I resented it, even though I was not okay, and I was not receiving the love and care that I needed, and I was not taking care of myself.

I did not even want to live anymore and once I was finally open about it, instead of getting the love and care I needed, at first, I got judgment instead. Even though I had never acted this way before, I felt like this was my identity now. I still have two friends who have not spoken to me since, despite attempts to apologize and explain. Eventually, I wondered why I wanted to be friends with people like that anyways and how I ever had been, but the truth was, my depression came from trying to be perfect so others would love me, and the first time I felt I wasn’t being perfect enough, certain people abandoned me. That made me start to think I was right along and I did not deserve them or my husband or anyone, I deserved to be alone. Some of this came from the fact that the one and only time I shared my truthful thoughts one hundred percent with some family, they did not come to my wedding and did not speak to me for a long time, even though they shared harsh opinions of me, with me constantly. Many times I have shared my political or religious thoughts that differ from friends and family and been made to feel like an outcast.

I did eventually get the help I needed. Even my mom and stepdad did not understand at first, but they helped me anyways as they always have in any situation no matter what, and my husband eventually came around as well. I often feel people are tired of hearing about my experience, but I don’t repeatedly tell it because I think what I went through is worse or any more important than everyone else. I do it so others know they are not alone, because I did feel alone. I do it to educate people on what I did not even know until I went through it myself. I do it because I especially now think we are all in this together. When someone is unhappy it can affect us all, and no you cannot help everyone. People have to want and accept help, myself included when the time came, but you can help some and you can try your best to take care of your own mental health, because when it came down to it, my main rescuer was myself. I kept waiting for someone to rescue me because I was tired, but I had to put in the work of figuring out how I got there and why, how to get back out and how to try and not get back to that dark place ever again.

I still get frustrated at others who seem to stay in the state of mind I was in all the time, who never seem to get better, who seem to always blame others or their situation, yet at the same I get it more now, I really do, and many have been through way worse with much less support. I even understand people having to set boundaries for the protection of their own mental health, and I actually think that is a good thing, and much better than enabling someone by letting them mistreat you and others. I took this into account with my friends who ghosted me, but I still think once I did everything to get better and sincerely apologized, their continued ghosting went from them setting boundaries, to cruelty that hurt and will forever hurt. It took questioning everything I believed in, how I was raised, analyzing my entire life and childhood for me to heal and in doing so, I learned things I knew could heal others in my family, but some of them do not want to do what it takes to heal, at least not yet. I have not completely given up hope that some might one day, and when they do all I can do is be there for them.

Bio: Amanda Dodson Gremillion published her first book in 2012. She began revising it in 2019 and republished it as Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine. The story chronicles her experience with severe postpartum OCD, anxiety and depression. Amanda is a graduate of Auburn University, and now lives in Calera, Alabama, with her husband, Jay, their daughter, Aubrie, and their two dogs, Honey Girl and Cooper. She hopes to write more books in the future. Follow Amanda’s journey on Facebook,  or twitter at https://twitter.com/AmandaGremilli2 and order her book here.  Also, follow her on the Mighty here Amanda Dodson Gremillion | The Mighty Contributor or listen to her podcast here Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine • A podcast on Anchor . You can also find her on Instagram here Amanda Dodson Gremillion (@justbuyheradress) • Instagram photos and videos. Amanda is also a Community Champion for a website and app about physical and mental health called Kopa which can be found at www.kopa.com.

Kopa Mental and Physical Health Website and App

Recently I was asked by someone who was familiar with my website if I would be willing to share my story to help contribute to a website and app being developed. I was awarded a $50 Amazon gift card for an hour of my time. The website and app are now active at www.kopa.com. This website and app are not only for the pregnancy community, but also for general mental and physical health. Please check it out. “Kopa provides people with the support and connections they need to manage their physical and mental health. They offer high-quality education, relevant features and tools, ways to create meaningful connections with other members, and access to experts. Kopa’s vibrant community knows what other members are going through—because they’ve been there.”

“It’s nice to know that when you’re going through a trying time, there are people who know what you’re going through and can help you through it!” —Kopa member 

I have also been asked for become a Kopa Community Champion which asks you to spend 3-4 hours per month across different projects. “Champions are volunteers who partner with the Kopa team to help them maintain a supportive community for their members. Champions may be asked to: • Welcome newbies and become a familiar voice in the community • Comment and create posts to help support and inspire others in the community • Test new features and provide feedback on the member experience • Discuss your health experiences with the Kopa team for research and spotlights • Attend quarterly calls to discuss new and upcoming features and special projects. ” In return, you get behind-the-scenes access and hear about the latest features first! Plus, you get a direct link to the Kopa team to share your ideas. Share your story Champions may be featured in member spotlights, articles, and on social media. You may get to test new features and let them know your thoughts and get compensated for your time. Champions also receive special swag and rewards for being part of the program. I a very exited about this opportunity!

Bio: Amanda Dodson Gremillion published her first book in 2012. She began revising it in 2019 and republished it as Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine. The story chronicles her experience with severe postpartum OCD, anxiety and depression. Amanda is a graduate of Auburn University, and now lives in Calera, Alabama, with her husband, Jay, their daughter, Aubrie, and their two dogs, Honey Girl and Cooper. She hopes to write more books in the future. Follow Amanda’s journey on Facebook,  or twitter at https://twitter.com/AmandaGremilli2 and order her book here.  Also, follow her on the Mighty here Amanda Dodson Gremillion | The Mighty Contributor or listen to her podcast here Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine • A podcast on Anchor . You can also find her on Instagram here Amanda Dodson Gremillion (@justbuyheradress) • Instagram photos and videos. Amanda is also a Community Champion for a website and app about physical and mental health called Kopa which can be found at www.kopa.com.

Baby Formula Injury

I had someone contact me to see if I would put information on my site about possible injuries caused by some parents giving their premature babies Enfamil or Similac formula. I was a little hesitant to honestly because I have no solid evidence to support these certain formulas caused the injury, nor do I have personal experience with it or know anyone who has. When I try to research, I only find it on law firm sites trying to make money off the lawsuits. However, if there is any possibility it is true, I thought that if I was a parent to a premature baby, I would probably be cautious and use another formula, if possible, to be safe, so I figured I would at least do a post on the subject. However, they don’t seem to be saying any formula is okay, only breast milk even if it is donated, yet they seem to be only suing the two largest formula companies. I also wanted to ask if anyone has had a personal experience they would like to share. I would love for you to comment, or if you prefer to stay confidential feel free to private message me and I can post something for you without using your name if you would like.

As a mom who did no breastfeed due to anxiety, I don’t want to do anything to discourage formula use as I had a great experience with Enfamil particularly, but my daughter was not premature (actually technically 3 weeks is early and she was 3 and half weeks early, but she was 8 and a half pounds and lungs fully developed and all so I honestly think that they had my due date wrong and it is a guess within about 4 weeks usually, but that is another subject for another time). Also, I have read it is often even more challenging for many premature babies to breastfeed due to health issues they often have so some rely on formula.

My advice is that if a doctor you trust advises you it is okay, they are probably more trustworthy than lawyers on the subject, but do you own research if this concerns you. Not that the parents claiming this are not trustworthy but if I lost a baby or they were injured badly and someone was providing a possible reason and solution to stop it from happening to others I would be so open to that, it might be easy to take advantage of me and convince me something or someone was at fault even if they were not. Even before you become a parent, it is so hard to make these decisions and all you can do is what you personally think is best for you and your baby with the information provided to you based on your own personal experience.

Bio: Amanda Dodson Gremillion published her first book in 2012. She began revising it in 2019 and republished it as Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine. The story chronicles her experience with severe postpartum OCD, anxiety and depression. Amanda is a graduate of Auburn University, and now lives in Calera, Alabama, with her husband, Jay, their daughter, Aubrie, and their two dogs, Honey Girl and Cooper. She hopes to write more books in the future. Follow Amanda’s journey on Facebook,  or twitter at https://twitter.com/AmandaGremilli2 and order her book here.  Also, follow her on the Mighty here Amanda Dodson Gremillion | The Mighty Contributor or listen to her podcast here Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine • A podcast on Anchor . You can also find her on Instagram here Amanda Dodson Gremillion (@justbuyheradress) • Instagram photos and videos.

My Thoughts on A Mouthful of Air, a movie about Postpartum Depression

So yesterday, I finally rented the movie A Mouthful of Air on Amazon. It is a movie about a woman who gets postpartum depression. There will be major spoilers in this if you have not already seen it and there are so many triggers in this. If you are easily triggered by discussion of suicide or suicide attempts, please do not read ahead. I am trying to be more understanding of people’s triggers, but I personally like to be triggered so I can face things head on. Many don’t understand it, but it is often part of how I heal. I already had seen and heard spoilers before I watched this movie, but they were much needed to emotionally prepare me to watch it personally. I was told before watching that the character takes her own life, and when I saw that the movie was rated R, I expected some graphic scenes I did not want to watch, but that was not the case. I am honestly not sure why it is rated R. I guess you cannot even openly discuss suicide without it being rated that, but why? I think it should be PG-13 personally.

There is a warning at the beginning that if you have a history of depression and anxiety this may be hard to watch and there are tons of warnings elsewhere warning many they may not want to watch. I do have that history, and it was hard to watch, but I am still glad I did. I personally am far enough in the healing process I thought I could handle it and I could. Not only did I handle it, despite the sad ending, relating to the character still comforted me in ways, that feeling again of not being alone, but it also brought so many emotions back for me again. I cried during the movie, and I cried for a little bit after the movie had even gone off. I know I am making a truly hard sell on watching this, right? But hear me out. I often feel that those close to me probably think I dwell on the worst time in my life, but that is not the case. I will never stop talking about it because it would have helped me if others had talked about, if others had warned me, that is it. I am happy now, my life is great, and I am thankful that my story ended with my daughter reading a book about how I conquered it instead of the book the daughter in the movie got. I also hope that one day my story, or at least one more like it, will become a big movie to show people the happy ending you can have, but I do also think it is important to see the possible unhappy endings too.

I am going to try to possibly get rawer in this post than ever before, which those of you know me know that is pretty raw, and I will try to turn this into a podcast soon for those of you who prefer it to blogs. I did not have a happy ending because I was braver or stronger or a better person than the woman in this movie. I also did not have one because I had more support than her, she actually had more than I did because no one around me knew what was going on because I was even better at the character at hiding it for a very long time, but even once I no longer did, most did not seem to understand and seemed angry at me instead. Even though I had never been the person it was all about, it was always about everyone else, I think for once I wanted it to be about me, I needed love and help and attention and I was treated the same as people who act like that their entire life, even though I had never acted like that before. I thought it was my turn, but instead I eventually learned to set boundaries and take better care of myself.

I never tried to take my own life. I prayed to go to sleep and not wake up, that way it would not be my fault, and no one would be mad at me, but I could still have peace and the pain could go away. I had thoughts about if an 18-wheeler swerved into my lane and hit me I would not care when driving alone and the thought of driving into a wall or off a bridge sometimes crossed my mind for a moment, but I am not sure if I could have ever actually acted on it. People are often called cowards for committing suicide, but I honestly think being a coward saved me. Recently watching the Yellowstone Prequal 1883 with my husband, a character who lost her husband and 7 children to death ends her life with a gun to her head after her last remaining child dies. While burying the character, Sam Elliott’s character mentions how brave she had to be to do that, and Tim McGraw’s character disagrees at first, but Sam Elliott continues to basically say that it took guts. I knew what he meant. We don’t want to say that because it feels like we are encouraging suicide, but that is not what he meant nor is it what I mean. The thought of cutting myself or shooting myself or doing anything else painful to myself just never truly crossed my mind and never has. However, if there had been a pill in front of me that I could have taken and known it would have happened quick, I might have done it. I had heard of people taking a lot of pills but often that did not work and resulted in them waking up in the hospital upset they were still alive and now everyone was mad at them, and they were in physical pain as well.

I watched the first season of 13 Reasons Why before they cut the graphic details of the suicide scene. I honestly never knew how people slit their wrists until seeing it portrayed in that show. I honestly thought people must just cut the bottom of their wrist and it is a spot that just bleeds so much you would die quick, but no she went all the way up one arm and then the other and died a lot slower than I thought. My arms hurt watching and not only did I not want to do that, but I had even less of a desire than ever before to ever think about doing anything like that to myself. In the movie, those around the main character were not aware of her condition at first until she tried to take her own life once and failed in doing so. When she is later explaining to her doctor and her husband why she did what she did, I did relate to that part though. She said that any time she was alone with her child she would constantly worry something was going to happen to him. If she got distracted at all while giving him a bath he might drown, something might fall on him, he might fall and hit something, etc. She thought he would be better off with someone else and someone else was on the way over to visit and she did it then because she knew that person would take care of the baby.

In another part of the movie, the main character can hardly hold a conversation with other adults because she is constantly watching her son and worrying about him even when around tons of other people. I was the same way. I worried if I looked away for a moment someone might take her, or everyone else might not be paying attention and she might run off or hurt herself or tons of other horrible scenarios and it would be my fault because I am her mother, and it is my job to protect her. My worst fear was something happening to her and the burden of constantly trying to stop or prevent that was too much to bear making me at times want to run away or wish I’d never had a child or making me wish for death for relief. In one line of the movie, I believe it is when she leaves behind a children’s book that she wrote to explain to her daughter why she did what she did, but how much she loved her, she says, “She knew the beauty she was leaving behind, yet her pain was so bad, death was her only option.” She discusses how the little girl, and her mommy were best friends, but the mommy got sick and could not get better. The mom had been on medication, but when she found out she was pregnant again when her first child was still a year old and not even out of diapers, she was afraid to take her medication because she thought it might hurt the baby and prevent her from breastfeeding and bonding with her child.

I have been in a lot of online support groups and often women have more children before they have even healed from postpartum depression. They also often refuse to take medicine despite the advice of their doctors and/or family and friends for the same reasons. This happened in the movie. So, despite having support from others, despite knowing medicine helped, she chose not take medicine but even that decision was not rooted in selfishness, it was out of concern for her child. Her OBGYN told her once in the movie that he now asked women how they were doing emotionally not just physically when they came in for appointments. When I say the movie brought back emotions, anger was one of them in moments like that one, like why was this not already a thing? But mixed with that anger was hope, that what she went through, despite the sad ending, did change people, people around her did grow from the experience and learned, but that is possible even with a happy ending I can say, speaking from experience.

I lost a fellow author and friend to suicide a little while back. This friend had already tried once and actually used that experience to blog and write books like me and try to help others. However, like in the movie, he had been through such bad childhood trauma he still could not overcome it and the second time he attempted, he did not fail. I don’t know that we can always prevent it. We want to and we often blame the person and/or ourselves, but I think our number one focus personally should be trying to prevent these traumas from happening in the first place, so people do not have to overcome them, and I do feel that overall, that is happening in so many ways. I think everyone has some trauma and some can overcome it, and some cannot, but it is not as simple as being a better person or being stronger or having more support. Support often can and does help and I still strongly encourage it, but when I say I have some childhood trauma it comes from many things, but I also still feel like I had a pretty good childhood overall. Also, when I went through what I did, my mom and stepdad did not understand at first, but like every other time in my life, they tried their best to be there for me and my daughter. We all made mistakes along the way, but we learned from them, and we learned from each other.

My friend who died by suicide was molested as a child by a neighbor and I don’t think much if anything was ever done to the person who did it. Yes, we have all been through trauma, but I had not been through as much trauma as he had been. You just never know who has been through worse and what people’s limits are. A person can only take so much. Despite the sad ending for my friend, he still impacted many lives before he passed, including my own. He helped me in being brave enough to share my story and he helped me become more confident in being my true self. Even in those unhappy endings, you can still find some good.

Bio: Amanda Dodson Gremillion published her first book in 2012. She began revising it in 2019 and republished it as Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine. The story chronicles her experience with severe postpartum OCD, anxiety and depression. Amanda is a graduate of Auburn University, and now lives in Calera, Alabama, with her husband, Jay, their daughter, Aubrie, and their two dogs, Honey Girl and Cooper. She hopes to write more books in the future. Follow Amanda’s journey on Facebook,  or twitter at https://twitter.com/AmandaGremilli2 and order her book here.  Also, follow her on the Mighty here Amanda Dodson Gremillion | The Mighty Contributor or listen to her podcast here Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine • A podcast on Anchor . You can also find her on Instagram here Amanda Dodson Gremillion (@justbuyheradress) • Instagram photos and videos.