Micromanaging and It’s Effect on Mental Health

I read an article the other day where a woman was seeking advice because she felt her husband did not do anything right when parenting their child. Here is a link if you want to read that first, which I strongly suggest:

https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/01/husband-is-incompetent-father-care-and-feeding.html

Twelve years ago I probably would have related more to her, but these days I related more to the advice columnist, who basically replied telling her she was micromanaging her husband and causing him to lose interest in parenting. Micromanaging your spouse can destroy a marriage and it can destroy that spouse’s relationship with their own child. I was not intentionally doing it of course. It was a symptom of my postpartum depression and my OCD becoming worse postpartum, but some people never overcome this and do it their entire life. I had a boss who micromanaged me and all my coworkers once, and it took a toll on our mental health and majorly affected our lives. It also changed a job I loved, and a company I was devoted to and would have retired with, to a company that disappointed me and broke my heart.

I was at a job I loved most days for four and a half years. I was my boss’s right hand man, I got raises and even thought about getting back into management again when my boss decided to leave and my daughter was older. Turns out my boss left, after over 20 years I might add, because she had a new boss who was micromanaging her. After she left, he replaced her with another micromanager, but did promote me and another person to Leads to assist her. I stayed for another year and a half, totaling about six years with the company. Most others have since either been fired or eventually left like me. Even the ones who were star employees before were no longer good enough. The thing is though, we are all human and make mistakes daily. If any boss followed their best employee around all day and looked for mistakes, they will find them as would their boss in them. Once this is done though, it can affect your confidence and of course make you nervous. The next thing you know, you go from making the every day common mistakes everyone makes sometimes because you are human, to making more and more and bigger mistakes because you are a nervous wreck. The micromanager then uses this against you to make you look like you were always this bad, the old boss just was not managing correctly.

Before we knew it, she had HR and upper management believing we were all the problem and not her. No one else would speak up with me, in fear of losing their job. This is how worthless we all felt by this point, that the company would get rid of an entire department, even people who had been great employees for years and would have retired with the company, before they got rid of her. I on the other hand, could no longer take the toll on my mental health or take the injustice. I got another job, worked out a notice and left on good terms. A party was thrown for me, people gave me gifts and money and food. It felt crazy I was even leaving, or felt I had to. I told them everything I thought, as professionally as I could in an exit interview, and almost got that old boss fired, or so she told others. I even told them I was not trying to get her fired. She was good at the rest of her job, just not supervising people. If anything, if I had stuck around I was worried she would fire me, like she was firing everyone else, and as someone who had never even been written up in my entire career before her, that scared me.

I loved this job before, and most of the people there loved me and had the same opinion of her as I did. I even reflected for that year and half trying to determine if there was anything I could do to change or make the situation better, until I realized it was her, not me. Everyone saw this at the time, except those that had the power to stop her. By the time they finally did, she had already hurt people’s lives, careers and mental health. I had told them most of it before, they just did not listen because they wanted hard evidence, and I was not sitting around documenting everything instead of doing my job like she was. Some others were, but it did them no good either. As a former HR director myself, it was hard to lose confidence in HR. I tell this story as much as I can because I have been shocked at the people who have been through the same.

I was told that after I left, my old boss’s boss quit before he was fired or laid off, but my old boss is still there. She is no longer a supervisor though, because once even all the people she hired had the same experience as us, they finally believed us, once most of us were all gone and once our mental health, careers and lives were already majorly affected. Some other good people in the company were later laid off due to COVID too, so maybe I got out at the right time. The company was not as good as I thought and disappointed me. Luckily most of my bosses have been great, although I did Nanny for a couple for a short time who micromanaged their kids this way, so I felt kind of micromanaged as well, or required to micromanage them myself one, and both made me uncomfortable. I have also had coworkers at times, some even Leads or ahead of you seniority wise, maybe even training you, who micromanage, and that is hard as well. They see you struggling with something and do not jump in to help unless you ask, and sometimes even then, do not. However, they see you make a minor mistake and call it out from across the room. They never make any, and even have time to check everything you are doing while they do everything perfectly.

In so many of these cases, these people do have the best of intentions. They think they are helping, they are perfectionists. Because of this perfectionism, they are also often very good at certain parts of their job. However, this leads to them being very critical of anyone who even does it the least bit different, even if or when their way might be better, or when it might be okay for someone else to do the same thing differently. I say all of this as someone who has battled perfectionism my entire life, but I do not want to be them, but I also do not expect to change them. That is part of overcoming my own perfectionism. I cannot change them. I can only change me, my reaction, or my situation, as hard as that is sometimes, So I write this, not hoping to change them or those like them, but more so for people that are affected by them, like me, so they know they are not alone, but also for the ones that may find they are like that, as I once was, and do want to change. I also write this for those around who can change things for the person being micromanaged, like the ones who did not believe us all, and the ones who would not stand up with me and risk a job they eventually lost anyways.

As someone who has been a lead and manager, if you see someone struggling, a coworker or someone who works for you, or someone you work for, or your spouse, or your child, help them without them even having to ask, or if you do not see them and they ask, try to help them. Lead by example, by practicing, not preaching, and give them a little room in error. I work in childcare now, so of course if I saw a situation where I truly believed a child was in true danger, I would speak up to someone about what they were doing, whether it was intentional or not. However, I have often found these people often seem more concerned about things that are not life or death, while ignoring others that are or could be. Also, like with kids, when parents get onto you for everything, you eventually drown them out, or just do not care anymore because you seem darned if you do, or darned if you don’t, as is often said. For instance, with that old boss, if you did not take initiative you should have, but if you did take it you should have asked permission first. Life is not a Disney movie. Sometimes the bad guy just seems to win in real life, and it just hurts. I am almost 40, and tired, and I am ready for it just once to easily work out for me, as it seems to for them, but while actually doing the right thing. I guess I just wanted any of you reading this and feeling the same, to know you are not alone.

Bio: Amanda Dodson Gremillion published her first book in 2012. She began revising it in 2019 and republished it as Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine. The story chronicles her experience with severe postpartum OCD, anxiety and depression. Amanda is a graduate of Auburn University, and now lives in Calera, Alabama, with her husband, Jay, their daughter, Aubrie, and their two dogs, Honey Girl and Cooper. She hopes to write more books in the future. Follow Amanda’s journey on Facebook,  or twitter at https://twitter.com/AmandaGremilli2 and order her book here.  Also, follow her on the Mighty here https://themighty.com/u/amandadodsongremillion/ and you can find blogs she has written for Postpartum Support International, along with helpful blogs from others here https://www.postpartum.net/blog/

What I Really Want for My Birthday

My birthday is coming up February 1st. I started to do my yearly Facebook Birthday fundraiser, but I was not getting any donations so I decided to try something else. I realize a lot of people are having an even harder time than usual and cannot donate any money, so if you don’t have any to donate, but want to make my birthday special here are some free ways you can over the next few weeks (you don’t have to do all at once) . If you do have some money and have not already, of course you can always buy my book and I will donate at least ten percent of all proceeds to charity. You can do that and the free stuff I am about to mention by going to all the links in the About section of this site. Back to my free gifts…if you have not already, and are on Facebook, please like my book’s Facebook page and please like some of the posts and/or comment on the posts, please click on the three dots at the top of the page and invite all your friends to like the page, share the page on your page, share this website on your page, sign up to follow this website (you simply get an email when I post something new which is usually about once every week or two, sometimes less sometimes more), like blogs on this website and share some of them, if you are on Twitter, please follow me on Twitter ,and retweet some of my book and blog posts, please go to my Mighty page and click the heart to love all of my stories and thoughts too and/or comment if you want and follow me if you have Mighty account and share some of my stories, if you have a Good Reads account please follow me, follow me on Amazon, if you read my book and liked it and have not already please leave a review, and/or watch my Alabaster Living Interview so it gets more views and share it!!! Thank you for your support!

Bio: Amanda Dodson Gremillion published her first book in 2012. She began revising it in 2019 and republished it as Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine. The story chronicles her experience with severe postpartum OCD, anxiety and depression. Amanda is a graduate of Auburn University, and now lives in Calera, Alabama, with her husband, Jay, their daughter, Aubrie, and their two dogs, Honey Girl and Cooper. She hopes to write more books in the future. Follow Amanda’s journey on Facebook,  or twitter at https://twitter.com/AmandaGremilli2 and order her book here.  Also, follow her on the Mighty here https://themighty.com/u/amandadodsongremillion/ and you can find blogs she has written for Postpartum Support International, along with helpful blogs from others here https://www.postpartum.net/blog/

The movie Marley & Me nailed it’s Depiction of Postpartum Depression

The movie Marley & Me was based on a book, which was based on a real life story, which I guess should make it no surprise that it’s depiction of Postpartum Depression was pretty accurate to me. If you have not seen the movie yet, it came out in 2008 so this blog contains some spoilers. I will also warn you, some may have a hard time watching it. It is one of my favorite movies, but there is a part that deals with pregnancy loss that may be hard for some, and it does follow Marley, a dog, to the end of his life, but I personally love a good tearjerker sometimes. As someone who experienced postpartum depression myself, it felt so good to relate to the main character Jennifer Anniston played. The postpartum depression part was probably only about 10 minutes of the movie, but that is part of my point. It was one thing that happened in their life. The way she acted during that time was not the person she was, it did not define her, but I could relate to her character the entire movie. 

She was a planner, and had her whole life planned out early on, but later in life realizes, as I have, that it is the things you don’t plan that end up being the best parts of life. She wanted to have kids, she wanted to get married, she loved children and animals and was a sweet person, but after she has her second child, and is overwhelmed, she seems filled with rage. In one scene, she finally gets the baby and toddler both down to sleep, then she hears the trash man coming and knows the dog is about to start barking and wake them up. He does, and she loses it. I could totally relate, and was so relieved to see such a realistic view of postpartum depression I had not seen before, except in my own life. Her husband did not understand what happened to his former wife, until his boss suggested it might be postpartum depression. He now dreaded coming home and when he mentions the postpartum depression to her, at first, she gets angry and defensive, a normal reaction for many. 

They later have a heart to heart where she opens up about how much she had to give up to be a mom and a wife. Earlier in the movie, she was having more success than her husband when it came to their careers, but eventually she wanted to stay home with the kids, and gave it all up for her family. Her husband eventually became more and more successful, and he often started to wonder what he was missing out on as well at times, as he had a single friend who was always traveling and always with different women. One day he realizes how good he has it though, and realizes that his single friend is actually jealous of what he has. Even her husband in the movie reminded me a lot of my husband. Even though she chose being a wife and mother, she sometimes missed all she gave up too, which is normal of course, and she and her husband both admit not realizing how hard it would be sometimes. 

I personally was not able to stay at home, but at one point in my marriage, I was the breadwinner. My spouse and I have kind of taken turns in that over the years. Once we had a small child, and both of us were trying to be managers, I chose to step down from management because it was just too hard. My husband eventually changed jobs to one with much more work life balance too, even though it was still a management position, but somehow he ended up making even more than he did before and having more growth opportunities, which honestly made me a little jealous. However, I still do not regret the choice I made. When I changed jobs, my daughter was just starting school, and having a job with more work life balance allowed me to go on field trips with her, help with a class Christmas party and be involved in so many other things I would have missed otherwise. 


In the movie, it goes from showing the wife and husband talking things out, and joking no more kids for a while, to years later when they have another kid and they are all in a much better place. Kind of like the movie The Notebook, where they do not show you how they go from passionate young lovers to dying together in their 90’s, they do not show you how they got from that one point to the other, because it is a movie, and from experience I can tell you, they cannot fit all that into one movie.

Bio: Amanda Dodson Gremillion published her first book in 2012. She began revising it in 2019 and republished it as Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine. The story chronicles her experience with severe postpartum OCD, anxiety and depression. Amanda is a graduate of Auburn University, and now lives in Calera, Alabama, with her husband, Jay, their daughter, Aubrie, and their two dogs, Honey Girl and Cooper. She hopes to write more books in the future. Follow Amanda’s journey on Facebook,  or twitter at https://twitter.com/AmandaGremilli2 and order her book here.  Also, follow her on the Mighty here https://themighty.com/u/amandadodsongremillion/ and you can find blogs she has written for Postpartum Support International, along with helpful blogs from others here https://www.postpartum.net/blog/ Advertisementshttps://c0.pubmine.com/sf/0.0.3/html/safeframe.htmlREPORT THIS ADAdvertisementshttps://c0.pubmine.com/sf/0.0.3/html/safeframe.htmlREPORT THIS AD

Ways to Get My Book for Free!

There are several ways you can get my book for free for you or someone else. If you would like a free copy of my audio book, you can sign up for a free trial of Audible and cancel before you are charged, if you do not wish to keep the subscription. I tested this out myself and was able to do so with no issue. If you do not wish to sign up for a free trial, or have any trouble doing so or are already an Audible customer, please message me at amandalgremillion@gmail.com. I have been given several promotion codes for free copies, so I can probably provide you with one.

For a free copy of my ebook, if you do not have Kindle unlimited, I offer it on Amazon for free pretty regularly. Amazon allows me to do this every so often for a few days or a week I believe. They also allow me to mark it down at times from $9.99 to all the way down to as low as $0.99 at times so watch for these sales as well. I usually post markdowns or free offers on this website and my social media pages.

For a free paperback copy, these do costs me money to print and ship so I can only offer so many, but if you cannot afford one or know someone who cannot afford it, but needs it, or need one for a professional or charitable reason, please message me at amandalgremillion@gmail.com and I may be able to provide you with a free copy or copies. The highest the price ever is is $19.99, although there is a large print version for $20.99. I often put it on sale as low as $5.76, which is the lowest price Amazon will allow me to price it, so watch for sales on this as well.

My hardback book is a lot more expensive to print than any other version and I already am offering the lowest possible price on it at all times, but if you need one for some reason, and cannot afford it, please message me, and of course, if possible, I will send you a free copy. ‘

I also plan on offering free copies at times through giveaways, contests, etc. as I hopefully continue to gain a larger following over time.

Bio: Amanda Dodson Gremillion published her first book in 2012. She began revising it in 2019 and republished it as Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine. The story chronicles her experience with severe postpartum OCD, anxiety and depression. Amanda is a graduate of Auburn University, and now lives in Calera, Alabama, with her husband, Jay, their daughter, Aubrie, and their two dogs, Honey Girl and Cooper. She hopes to write more books in the future. Follow Amanda’s journey on Facebook,  or twitter at https://twitter.com/AmandaGremilli2 and order her book here.  Also, follow her on the Mighty here https://themighty.com/u/amandadodsongremillion/ and you can find blogs she has written for Postpartum Support International, along with helpful blogs from others here https://www.postpartum.net/blog/ 

I Had to Become More Selfish to Become a Better Parent

I know this title is already sounding crazy to some of you, but before I had a child, most people would not consider me a selfish person. I have always loved doing things for other people and getting gifts for others. I know I still had my selfish moments like anyone else, but overall I considered myself a pretty selfless person. I thought being a parent was all about being selfless and sacrificing everything for your kids. I eventually learned though, like they teach you on airplanes, if you don’t put your oxygen mask on first and then try to put your kids’ on, you may not get the chance to put your kids’ on. You may not physically be able to. When my daughter was first born, I was not getting sufficient sleep, I was not doing many things I enjoyed. I was revolving around my entire world around her. Then, I felt guilty for not always enjoying that. Eventually I learned that while parenting, like marriage and other relationships does require some sacrifice and compromise, it is also important to be a little selfish.

Also, it is not selfish to take basic care of yourself. It is not selfish to try and get the amount of sleep required for a normal person to function, or to take proper care of your body, or to shower, but mothers often feel selfish and guilty for even these things. If you throw in stuff like getting a massage, or buying yourself clothes you need instead of just clothes for the baby, then the guilty really sets in, but these are not truly selfish either. Now, if you get yourself clothes and everything your heart desires while your children do without, sure I personally think that is selfish, and not the kind of selfish I am talking about becoming. I am also not talking about doing anything you want just like before you had children when it comes to smoking, drinking, going out, etc. but it also okay to do these things some if you desire, and your children are still well cared for.

Maybe if you were a selfish person before kids, you do need to become more selfless, but for me, I had to learn to take care better care of myself in order to be the main caregiver for someone else. This also eventually helped me set boundaries in other relationships I probably should have set a long time ago. Some relationships ended, but the ones that remained, and new ones that formed were way better than the ones I lost. I feel like I eventually not only became a better mother but a better wife, a better person, etc. In some ways, I did become more selfless. It was easier to be selfless when I was not responsible for another life. These days I am also responsible for two dogs. When I do something, including being a mom, and even a dog mom, I want to be great at it and do my best, but sometimes that causes me to neglect taking care of myself, and this actually results in me not doing doing my best, and not from lack of trying.

When I had a child, I knew I would not sleep as much as I wanted anymore, but I never imagined being so sleep deprived I could hardly function. I knew after having a child I could not do anything I wanted anytime I wanted, but I had no idea how hard it would be to have friends over to do anything with friends, or that trips to restaurants for years now would include either changing diapers, feeding your child, or taking a potty training child to the restroom every five minutes just in case they really do have to actually go this time. I knew it would not be just me and my spouse all the time anymore, but I did not realize it would feel like it was never me and my spouse anymore, and when it was we were too tired to function, or felt like we did not even know each other anymore.

Before you become a parent, not only is it not taught to us as mothers to take care of ourselves first, but often the opposite is taught, and others often pride themselves on and compete over who is the most neglectful of themselves for the sake of their children. If you are a servant type person, as I am to a point, and as my mother is to an extreme, it is okay to enjoy serving your kids and others, but it is still okay to take care of yourself too. I truly believe taking good care of yourself mentally and physically is part of being a good mother, and often times the hardest part. Once you figure out how to though, it can make you a better wife, a better person, a better employee, a better everything, and a good example to your child, because you want them to take good care of themselves too, even once they become parents.

Bio: Amanda Dodson Gremillion published her first book in 2012. She began revising it in 2019 and republished it as Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine. The story chronicles her experience with severe postpartum OCD, anxiety and depression. Amanda is a graduate of Auburn University, and now lives in Calera, Alabama, with her husband, Jay, their daughter, Aubrie, and their two dogs, Honey Girl and Cooper. She hopes to write more books in the future. Follow Amanda’s journey on Facebook,  or twitter at https://twitter.com/AmandaGremilli2 and order her book here.  Also, follow her on the Mighty here https://themighty.com/u/amandadodsongremillion/ and you can find blogs she has written for Postpartum Support International, along with helpful blogs from others here https://www.postpartum.net/blog/ Want Amanda to share your story or want to share your own story through her website? Go to https://justbuyheradress.com/2020/10/27/do-you-want-to-share-your-story-through-my-site/about:blank

My Love Hate Relationship with Cleaning and Planners

I think I started using planners in college. After college, when I started working in Human Resources, at one point I had a work planner and a personal planner. When my husband saw some of what I had written in there, which included some things most people just remember all on their own daily, he joked if I had written to breathe in there. When my OCD and the Anxiety it causes got worse than ever postpartum, and I became severely depressed, I took a short break from planners. This started when I accidentally lost mine and decided to try life without one. I eventually started writing to do lists again and started using my work Outlook calendar for work and personal reminders. I would mainly have reminders at the end of the day pop up, like my daughter is supposed to dress up for crazy hair day at school tomorrow for instance.

When I eventually took a break from the corporate world and became a preschool teacher again, I had to buy an actual planner again because I was not on a computer all day anymore. I could have set up reminders on my phone, but this is one area I remain old fashioned. I love to write it down and cross it out and I love that it can never die, unlike my phone, so when I have that urgent feeling to add something before I forget, I can just write it down. Doing this sometimes even helps me sleep better and get it off my mind and can be a good thing when I don’t get too obsessed. I think using the written planner gives me some kind of feeling of accomplishment and more of a feeling of control. However, when I didn’t get it done, it would often stress me out. I would also often find myself writing too many things down and becoming too dependent on having to write them down to remember anything. Once my lists got too long, I would become overwhelmed. Over the years, I have learned to incorporate planners into my life again, without letting it overwhelm me.

People with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder obsess over different things. Two of the things I always have obsessed over are planning and cleaning. When we are having people over, and we get the entire house clean and it stays pretty clean for about two to three days, it is the best feeling in the world to me still, even now that I have gotten my cleaning obsession more under control. I can handle a mess more than I used to. I had to learn to because my husband is messy, and then we had a child, and now two dogs as well. Boy was dog hair hard for me to get used to at first, but I finally have. However, occasionally the house will get messy enough to start stressing me a little bit and cleaning it does make me feel better. It can be therapeutic. I don’t even normally do it for others, it is more for me, like it feels like my life and everything else is under control if everything around me is clean and in order. When things get too out of order, it can make me feel like my life is out of order, even if it is not. When I go to other people’s houses, I don’t find myself judging the cleanliness, and if anything if I see a little dust it makes me feel better to know we are all human and no one has a perfectly clean house all of the time. Even if it is pretty messy, I may not want to stay and live there in it daily, that probably would stress me out in the long term, but I can visit for a short time and be just fine.

The medication I currently take is often given in higher does to women with eating disorders. I never thought of my OCD as similar until I realized, I clean because I think it is something I can control. I have never had an eating disorder, but others close to me have and I do know I have been told it is often feeling like you think you control that one thing, your weight. The truth is you are really out of control, just like I am not controlling the cleaning, it is really controlling me, when I am stressed so much based on whether it is done or not. My obsession with planning is about trying to have control as well, but again something that actually makes me out of control and has consumed my life at times. When I was at my worst postpartum, I remember cleaning our house even though I was supposed to be getting ready to go to someone else’s house, with my husband and daughter. I have also knocked down cobwebs in the middle of having guests over the moment I noticed them or have been late, even to my own parties at my own house. When people would show up, I was still cleaning, so my husband entertained while I got ready.

Some people with OCD often get offended when people who do not truly have OCD but like things clean, joke about being OCD, but I don’t because for one, I actually did that myself before I realized I was actually OCD. I also realize, just like when I did it, some people truly do not realize how much cleaning can consume someone’s life, but it can. Obsessing over anything can and is not healthy, including when I used to change out the pictures in our house constantly, until my husband pointed out one time that no one had even come over since the last time I had changed them. Obsessing over these things is something I may have to battle off and on the rest of my life, but now that I am aware of that, it is much easier to try and keep a handle on it, with the help of those around me and help from other things, like medication.

Bio: Amanda Dodson Gremillion published her first book in 2012. She began revising it in 2019 and republished it as Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine. The story chronicles her experience with severe postpartum OCD, anxiety and depression. Amanda is a graduate of Auburn University, and now lives in Calera, Alabama, with her husband, Jay, their daughter, Aubrie, and their two dogs, Honey Girl and Cooper. She hopes to write more books in the future. Follow Amanda’s journey on Facebook,  or twitter at https://twitter.com/AmandaGremilli2 and order her book here.  Also, follow her on the Mighty here https://themighty.com/u/amandadodsongremillion/ and you can find blogs she has written for Postpartum Support International, along with helpful blogs from others here https://www.postpartum.net/blog/ Want Amanda to share your story or want to share your own story through her website? Go to https://justbuyheradress.com/2020/10/27/do-you-want-to-share-your-story-through-my-site/about:blank

My Experience with Postpartum Rage

When you imagine someone with depression, you imagine them crying a lot, maybe sleeping a lot. I never imagined them angry, but anger and rage can be symptoms of depression, postpartum depression, other mood disorders and postpartum mood disorders. Before I went through severe postpartum depression, most people even closest to me would not describe me as someone with a temper. My husband, maybe at times, like when we fought, but even then, nothing like the rage I had postpartum at times. People would mostly describe me as happy and bubbly, even when I was pregnant. I honestly think sleep deprivation was the main contributor to my rage because it was the worst in the middle of the night, when my daughter would not sleep, and therefore I did not sleep. This made me so angry, because I was so exhausted, and the angry person I was becoming made me even more angry, a vicious cycle. I wanted to be happy and bubbly again. I felt like I was being the worst version of myself for my daughter and I did not know how to change it.  

     I also showed the rage only at home usually around my husband and daughter where I felt the most comfortable. Unfortunately, we often take it out on those closest to us for this reason. This is the main reason my marriage almost ended, and this is what I felt the most guilt for when it came to how I treated my daughter postpartum. However, now she is almost 13 and does not even remember those moments. I have also told her about them and she understands as much as a 12 year old can, or honestly at 12, it seems like she understands better than most adults, and I hope that never changes. Since then of course, I have found healthier ways to take things out, or to deal with them before they come out in the form of rage. I do not think I am the happy bubbly person I was before my depression. I am pretty often, I mean I am a preschool teacher, but not as happy and bubbly as I used to be, and I don’t say that as a bad thing. I do not bottle up my emotions all day anymore and only let them out at home. I was not intentionally doing that before, more subconsciously really I think, but I of course learned this was not the healthiest thing for me or those around me. Also, when my husband I do argue, which is a lot less these days than even before my postpartum depression, and definitely a lot less than in the midst of it, there is not as much built up as before, and I don’t think I even have the temper I had in fights that I did before, although he may say otherwise, but don’t listen to him. Don’t listen to him about how many Amazon packages I order either. 

I used to have such a head in the clouds view of the world and since that world has been shattered, I have become more of a realist. I honestly hate it sometimes and wish I could be in the clouds again. I try to get closer to that again the more time that has passed, but I am still so scared to get knocked out of the clouds again and for that rage to return. I honestly do not think it ever would as strongly though, because I have been knocked down before, and it took a while, but I was able to get back up.  

Bio: Amanda Dodson Gremillion published her first book in 2012. She began revising it in 2019 and republished it as Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine. The story chronicles her experience with severe postpartum OCD, anxiety and depression. Amanda is a graduate of Auburn University, and now lives in Calera, Alabama, with her husband, Jay, their daughter, Aubrie, and their two dogs, Honey Girl and Cooper. She hopes to write more books in the future. Follow Amanda’s journey on Facebook,  or twitter at https://twitter.com/AmandaGremilli2 and order her book here.  Also, follow her on the Mighty here https://themighty.com/u/amandadodsongremillion/ and you can find blogs she has written for Postpartum Support International, along with helpful blogs from others here https://www.postpartum.net/blog/ Want Amanda to share your story or want to share your own story through her website? Go to https://justbuyheradress.com/2020/10/27/do-you-want-to-share-your-story-through-my-site/

Another 5 Star Review of my Book!!!

Someone just left another 5 star review of my book on Amazon and I must just be emotional today but it made me cry: “This book is a great read for any mother. It highlights the struggles of a woman fighting an invisible illness. A wholesome, entertaining, poignant story that helped me look at my own struggles with new eyes. I have a teenage son, and while I never suffered from postpartum depression myself, I suffer from various invisible illnesses. I would say that anyone would enjoy this book and be able to learn from Amanda‘s life lessons. I read the audible version of this book. The audio was clear. The reader had a pleasant voice. I would give this title 5 out of five stars. Definitely a must read!”

Bio: Amanda Dodson Gremillion published her first book in 2012. She began revising it in 2019 and republished it as Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine. The story chronicles her experience with severe postpartum OCD, anxiety and depression. Amanda is a graduate of Auburn University, and now lives in Calera, Alabama, with her husband, Jay, their daughter, Aubrie, and their two dogs, Honey Girl and Cooper. She hopes to write more books in the future. Follow Amanda’s journey on Facebook,  or twitter at https://twitter.com/AmandaGremilli2 and order her book here.  Also, follow her on the Mighty here https://themighty.com/u/amandadodsongremillion/ and you can find blogs she has written for Postpartum Support International, along with helpful blogs from others here https://www.postpartum.net/blog/ Want Amanda to share your story or want to share your own story through her website? Go to https://justbuyheradress.com/2020/10/27/do-you-want-to-share-your-story-through-my-site/

Losing My Religion

I was talking to my mom catching up the other day and she told me she almost had to go the emergency room because she was in pain. Of course, I asked what did she do and is she okay now. The answer was that she just laid in pain and prayed, and she is still not really okay. If I have ever wondered why I have done the same thing in the past, I did not wonder in that moment, nor did I in previous moments with her like it. I once again reminded her of the story of the Drowning Man. Whether you are religious or not, I think the story has a great point, and my mom also just happens to be religious.

If you have not heard this story before, the shorter version is a man is trapped on a roof during a flood and the water is rising. He fears he will drown and prays for God to rescue him. A man in a rowboat attempts to help him, then a man in a motorboat attempts to help him, and a man in a helicopter tries to help him. Each time, he tells them that is he is waiting for God to save him. The man eventually drowns, goes to Heaven, and asked God why he did not save him when he had so much faith. God then tells him he sent a rowboat, a motorboat and a helicopter. What more did he want?

Before I went through postpartum depression so bad I did not want to live anymore, I once had so much faith, I was not even scared to die. I knew I would go straight to Heaven. I spoke to God all the time, every day. When prayer did not work during my depression, I first doubted my faith, but I knew I had a lot of faith, so why was it not working? So then I cursed God, then I doubted God’s existence. None of this made me better. What finally made me better was finally seeking and accepting help. Going to church again and having an amazing supportive Sunday school class did help as well, but so did medicine, therapy and so many other things. Even at the times I have had the most faith, I still believed in free will. I still believed God made people who became doctors and who made medicine, etc. So what was I expecting? To magically feel better in a second? For God to magically come down from the clouds and save me? You don’t ever see that on the news, but I guess I thought that was what was going to happen, kind of like the drowning man.

When you are in a lot of pain, and especially when you no longer have much will to live, you don’t have much will to do anything else either, including seeking or accepting help, but that is the only way to get better. It is not easy, you want someone to save you and to do it for you, and people can try to help, but you must accept the help. Now I do not wait until I am in major pain to take pain reliever, or to get get a massage, or to go to the doctor. I have tried so many things I would have been uncomfortable with before for my OCD, for my anxiety and for some back pain, including medication, therapy, acupuncture, cupping, and next week I am trying raindrop therapy. I will now try almost anything at least once.

As for my religious beliefs these days, I do not talk about religion a lot on here because for one, people of all beliefs get depressed, and as I have mentioned before, at times I have had more faith than anyone I know, and at other times I have not been sure if I believe, or what I believe. In all honesty, even at my highest times of faith, I have thought of religion as something much more private and personal than it is normally treated. Not that I think you should be ashamed of your religion or have to hide it. However, when Jesus saved the man on the cross next to him, he never did so until the man asked him to. He never tried before that, or forced it on him. I also took that Bible verse about praying in private instead of public, for show, seriously.

There were a couple of people I truly thought when I was younger were so much like Jesus. Sure, in some ways they were, minus one also turned out to be a racist, and the other’s main motivation to be good was their fear of Hell. I have always had questions and I was never okay with not being able to seek the answers to them, even if that led to questioning my faith at times, because in the words of Richard Feynman, “I would rather have questions that can’t be answered, than answers that can’t be questioned.”

Bio: Amanda Dodson Gremillion published her first book in 2012. She began revising it in 2019 and republished it as Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine. The story chronicles her experience with severe postpartum OCD, anxiety and depression. Amanda is a graduate of Auburn University, and now lives in Calera, Alabama, with her husband, Jay, their daughter, Aubrie, and their two dogs, Honey Girl and Cooper. She hopes to write more books in the future. Follow Amanda’s journey on Facebook,  or twitter at https://twitter.com/AmandaGremilli2 and order her book here.  Also, follow her on the Mighty here https://themighty.com/u/amandadodsongremillion/ and you can find blogs she has written for Postpartum Support International, along with helpful blogs from others here https://www.postpartum.net/blog/ Want Amanda to share your story or want to share your own story through her website? Go to https://justbuyheradress.com/2020/10/27/do-you-want-to-share-your-story-through-my-site/

Get the Kindle version of my book free through Monday!

My book is currently free on Kindle until end of the day Monday, November 16th! It is also currently ranked in the top 5 of Motherhood books, and Pregnancy and Childbirth books! https://www.amazon.com/Just-Buy-Dress-Shell-Fine-ebook-dp-B07WM2KPWY/dp/B07WM2KPWY/ref=mt_other?_encoding=UTF8&me=&qid=1605266870

Bio: Amanda Dodson Gremillion published her first book in 2012. She began revising it in 2019 and republished it as Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine. The story chronicles her experience with severe postpartum OCD, anxiety and depression. Amanda is a graduate of Auburn University, and now lives in Calera, Alabama, with her husband, Jay, their daughter, Aubrie, and their two dogs, Honey Girl and Cooper. She hopes to write more books in the future. Follow Amanda’s journey on Facebook,  or twitter at https://twitter.com/AmandaGremilli2 and order her book here.  Also, follow her on the Mighty here https://themighty.com/u/amandadodsongremillion/ and you can find blogs she has written for Postpartum Support International, along with helpful blogs from others here https://www.postpartum.net/blog/ Want Amanda to share your story or want to share your own story through her website? Go to https://justbuyheradress.com/2020/10/27/do-you-want-to-share-your-story-through-my-site/