Movies, TV & Mental Health

My Thoughts on A Mouthful of Air, a movie about Postpartum Depression

Posted on by Amanda Dodson Gremillion

So yesterday, I finally rented the movie A Mouthful of Air on Amazon. It is a movie about a woman who gets postpartum depression. There will be major spoilers in this if you have not already seen it and there are so many triggers in this. If you are easily triggered by discussion of suicide or suicide attempts, please do not read ahead. I am trying to be more understanding of people’s triggers, but I personally like to be triggered so I can face things head on. Many don’t understand it, but it is often part of how I heal. I already had seen and heard spoilers before I watched this movie, but they were much needed to emotionally prepare me to watch it personally. I was told before watching that the character takes her own life, and when I saw that the movie was rated R, I expected some graphic scenes I did not want to watch, but that was not the case. I am honestly not sure why it is rated R. I guess you cannot even openly discuss suicide without it being rated that, but why? I think it should be PG-13 personally.

There is a warning at the beginning that if you have a history of depression and anxiety this may be hard to watch and there are tons of warnings elsewhere warning many they may not want to watch. I do have that history, and it was hard to watch, but I am still glad I did. I personally am far enough in the healing process I thought I could handle it and I could. Not only did I handle it, despite the sad ending, relating to the character still comforted me in ways, that feeling again of not being alone, but it also brought so many emotions back for me again. I cried during the movie, and I cried for a little bit after the movie had even gone off. I know I am making a truly hard sell on watching this, right? But hear me out. I often feel that those close to me probably think I dwell on the worst time in my life, but that is not the case. I will never stop talking about it because it would have helped me if others had talked about, if others had warned me, that is it. I am happy now, my life is great, and I am thankful that my story ended with my daughter reading a book about how I conquered it instead of the book the daughter in the movie got. I also hope that one day my story, or at least one more like it, will become a big movie to show people the happy ending you can have, but I do also think it is important to see the possible unhappy endings too.

I am going to try to possibly get rawer in this post than ever before, which those of you know me know that is pretty raw, and I will try to turn this into a podcast soon for those of you who prefer it to blogs. I did not have a happy ending because I was braver or stronger or a better person than the woman in this movie. I also did not have one because I had more support than her, she actually had more than I did because no one around me knew what was going on because I was even better at the character at hiding it for a very long time, but even once I no longer did, most did not seem to understand and seemed angry at me instead. Even though I had never been the person it was all about, it was always about everyone else, I think for once I wanted it to be about me, I needed love and help and attention and I was treated the same as people who act like that their entire life, even though I had never acted like that before. I thought it was my turn, but instead I eventually learned to set boundaries and take better care of myself.

I never tried to take my own life. I prayed to go to sleep and not wake up, that way it would not be my fault, and no one would be mad at me, but I could still have peace and the pain could go away. I had thoughts about if an 18-wheeler swerved into my lane and hit me I would not care when driving alone and the thought of driving into a wall or off a bridge sometimes crossed my mind for a moment, but I am not sure if I could have ever actually acted on it. People are often called cowards for committing suicide, but I honestly think being a coward saved me. Recently watching the Yellowstone Prequal 1883 with my husband, a character who lost her husband and 7 children to death ends her life with a gun to her head after her last remaining child dies. While burying the character, Sam Elliott’s character mentions how brave she had to be to do that, and Tim McGraw’s character disagrees at first, but Sam Elliott continues to basically say that it took guts. I knew what he meant. We don’t want to say that because it feels like we are encouraging suicide, but that is not what he meant nor is it what I mean. The thought of cutting myself or shooting myself or doing anything else painful to myself just never truly crossed my mind and never has. However, if there had been a pill in front of me that I could have taken and known it would have happened quick, I might have done it. I had heard of people taking a lot of pills but often that did not work and resulted in them waking up in the hospital upset they were still alive and now everyone was mad at them, and they were in physical pain as well.

I watched the first season of 13 Reasons Why before they cut the graphic details of the suicide scene. I honestly never knew how people slit their wrists until seeing it portrayed in that show. I honestly thought people must just cut the bottom of their wrist and it is a spot that just bleeds so much you would die quick, but no she went all the way up one arm and then the other and died a lot slower than I thought. My arms hurt watching and not only did I not want to do that, but I had even less of a desire than ever before to ever think about doing anything like that to myself. In the movie, those around the main character were not aware of her condition at first until she tried to take her own life once and failed in doing so. When she is later explaining to her doctor and her husband why she did what she did, I did relate to that part though. She said that any time she was alone with her child she would constantly worry something was going to happen to him. If she got distracted at all while giving him a bath he might drown, something might fall on him, he might fall and hit something, etc. She thought he would be better off with someone else and someone else was on the way over to visit and she did it then because she knew that person would take care of the baby.

In another part of the movie, the main character can hardly hold a conversation with other adults because she is constantly watching her son and worrying about him even when around tons of other people. I was the same way. I worried if I looked away for a moment someone might take her, or everyone else might not be paying attention and she might run off or hurt herself or tons of other horrible scenarios and it would be my fault because I am her mother, and it is my job to protect her. My worst fear was something happening to her and the burden of constantly trying to stop or prevent that was too much to bear making me at times want to run away or wish I’d never had a child or making me wish for death for relief. In one line of the movie, I believe it is when she leaves behind a children’s book that she wrote to explain to her daughter why she did what she did, but how much she loved her, she says, “She knew the beauty she was leaving behind, yet her pain was so bad, death was her only option.” She discusses how the little girl, and her mommy were best friends, but the mommy got sick and could not get better. The mom had been on medication, but when she found out she was pregnant again when her first child was still a year old and not even out of diapers, she was afraid to take her medication because she thought it might hurt the baby and prevent her from breastfeeding and bonding with her child.

I have been in a lot of online support groups and often women have more children before they have even healed from postpartum depression. They also often refuse to take medicine despite the advice of their doctors and/or family and friends for the same reasons. This happened in the movie. So, despite having support from others, despite knowing medicine helped, she chose not take medicine but even that decision was not rooted in selfishness, it was out of concern for her child. Her OBGYN told her once in the movie that he now asked women how they were doing emotionally not just physically when they came in for appointments. When I say the movie brought back emotions, anger was one of them in moments like that one, like why was this not already a thing? But mixed with that anger was hope, that what she went through, despite the sad ending, did change people, people around her did grow from the experience and learned, but that is possible even with a happy ending I can say, speaking from experience.

I lost a fellow author and friend to suicide a little while back. This friend had already tried once and actually used that experience to blog and write books like me and try to help others. However, like in the movie, he had been through such bad childhood trauma he still could not overcome it and the second time he attempted, he did not fail. I don’t know that we can always prevent it. We want to and we often blame the person and/or ourselves, but I think our number one focus personally should be trying to prevent these traumas from happening in the first place, so people do not have to overcome them, and I do feel that overall, that is happening in so many ways. I think everyone has some trauma and some can overcome it, and some cannot, but it is not as simple as being a better person or being stronger or having more support. Support often can and does help and I still strongly encourage it, but when I say I have some childhood trauma it comes from many things, but I also still feel like I had a pretty good childhood overall. Also, when I went through what I did, my mom and stepdad did not understand at first, but like every other time in my life, they tried their best to be there for me and my daughter. We all made mistakes along the way, but we learned from them, and we learned from each other.

My friend who died by suicide was molested as a child by a neighbor and I don’t think much if anything was ever done to the person who did it. Yes, we have all been through trauma, but I had not been through as much trauma as he had been. You just never know who has been through worse and what people’s limits are. A person can only take so much. Despite the sad ending for my friend, he still impacted many lives before he passed, including my own. He helped me in being brave enough to share my story and he helped me become more confident in being my true self. Even in those unhappy endings, you can still find some good.

Bio: Amanda Dodson Gremillion published her first book in 2012. She began revising it in 2019 and republished it as Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine. The story chronicles her experience with severe postpartum OCD, anxiety and depression. Amanda is a graduate of Auburn University, and now lives in Calera, Alabama, with her husband, Jay, their daughter, Aubrie, and their two dogs, Honey Girl and Cooper. She hopes to write more books in the future. Follow Amanda’s journey on Facebook,  or twitter at https://twitter.com/AmandaGremilli2 and order her book here.  Also, follow her on the Mighty here Amanda Dodson Gremillion | The Mighty Contributor or listen to her podcast here Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine • A podcast on Anchor . You can also find her on Instagram here Amanda Dodson Gremillion (@justbuyheradress) • Instagram photos and videos.

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The Royal Family, Mental Health & Breaking Generational Curses

Posted on by Amanda Dodson Gremillion

Prince Philip just passed away, and I feel a little sadder about it then I probably would have before after watching the show, the Crown not too long ago. I realize some of the show may not be accurate, but a lot of it is straight from the news and real life. As I watched the show, I would google to see if certain parts were true and learned a lot in the process. I always adored Princess Diana, but was never one of those obsessed with the royal family in general. The parts of the show I found the most interesting were things I never cared about or knew about before, for instance, the parts about Queen Elizabeth in her younger days. It was also interesting to see the Diana and Charles story through adult eyes for the first time as opposed to when I was younger and it was all happening. Charles and Diana married right before I was born and they divorced when I was 10, so I first saw it all happen through the eyes of child while listening to the opinion of the media and those around me.

I always knew that Diana was different to many from the rest of the royal family. She seemed friendlier, less stuffy, less private, but there are differences like this in everyday families that are not royalty. In the show, seeing a younger version of Elizabeth and Philip, I could relate to them more than ever before, in some ways. The relationship between Elizabeth and her sister Margaret is a lot like mine with my own sister. Elizabeth marries for love, yet her and Philip both later stop her son from doing the same and before that Elizabeth even stopped her own sister from doing so. Although in the latter case, she did not want to and felt bad about it, but had other choices and did not make them. Her sister also could have given up her princess title to marry the divorced man she loved though and chose not to. The royal family has previously tried to do the same to Elizabeth’s Uncle, which is why Elizabeth even became queen in the first place. I never knew this, but her father only became King because his brother wanted to marry a woman who had been divorced before and he gave up being King to do so. We all know how much hurt and pain was caused to so many before Charles eventually ended up marrying the woman he loved anyways, many years later. Trying to stop it only hurt him, Diana, their children, and his future wife, while also making her and Charles both into villians. I have to admit I always thought of both of them as such when younger, but now of course I know it was much more complex than that.

Everyone in the family made poor choices at different points, but one thing that really stuck out to me, was that no matter how much love Diana tried to offer them, no matter how hard she tried to earn the kind of love she wanted from them, they could not give it. I do not even think they would not, I honestly think they could not. They loved their children and she loved her children, but not in the same way. They had nannies mainly care for theirs, they were not as close to them, they were not as connected, they barely did things, like give hugs and the way those outside the family viewed them was very important. It was not to be an honest view, it was to be how they wanted to be viewed. There are people in my family like this, minus the nannies due to income alone, but they are like this because at some point, someone who, like me personally, likes to try and deeply connect with everyone they meet who is willing, but especially their own children, married someone who was almost the exact opposite. That marriage did not last either. Due to this, I now have family members I try to connect in the same way with, but probably never will be able to. I know this because they do not even have that connection with their children, yet it still hurts me, like it somehow makes me feel unworthy of their love, when deep down I know that is not really the case, but I understand why Diana often took it personally and it hurt her. It also resulted in her poor mental health at times.

I have often felt like the outcast with people like this and I would say that maybe they feel the same among people like me, but they never seem to act like that. Their behavior often seems to come with a feeling of superiority, like you should be ashamed for not feeling the same way and that there must be something wrong with you for needing the kind of love they cannot offer you. Maybe they have just never had it themselves. While a lot of us try to break generational curses or societal norms we see as damaging to us or our children, I think there are only so many we can break in one generation. It takes many generations to break some, because it took many more to start them in the first place. Queen Elizabeth broke some by marrying who she wanted, by marrying someone of lower status and by becoming a prominent woman leader even officially over her own husband. Prince Philip even broke them by choosing to marry her when he had a lower status than her, as you can see in the show and can imagine in real life had to be very hard at times.

We can definitely see that Diana broke some just by looking at who both her sons married and the relationships with their children. They both married for love and seemed to be pretty involved with their children. However, you can still see major differences in Prince William and Harry and you can still Charles often act like or side with the family members who did so much to hurt him and his children and future wives. The way Harry’s wife was treated when being open about mental health issues reminds me some of Diana’s treatment, minus one big change. Her husband was supportive and that made a world of difference for her compared to Diana. Based on the media, it seems like Harry might be breaking more generational norms than anyone in the royal family and is getting hated on by many for it, although Prince William and Charles seem to also get some hate by the other half for not breaking enough of them. Who knows what all is really going on behind closed doors, but based on what I see go on in my own family sometimes, I believe some of what is in the news and was in the show, the Crown.

Bio: Amanda Dodson Gremillion published her first book in 2012. She began revising it in 2019 and republished it as Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine. The story chronicles her experience with severe postpartum OCD, anxiety and depression. Amanda is a graduate of Auburn University, and now lives in Calera, Alabama, with her husband, Jay, their daughter, Aubrie, and their two dogs, Honey Girl and Cooper. She hopes to write more books in the future. Follow Amanda’s journey on Facebook,  or twitter at https://twitter.com/AmandaGremilli2 and order her book here.  Also, follow her on the Mighty here Amanda Dodson Gremillion | The Mighty Contributor or listen to her podcast here Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine • A podcast on Anchor . You can also find her on Instagram here Amanda Dodson Gremillion (@justbuyheradress) • Instagram photos and videos.

The Myth of the Instant Bond

Posted on by Amanda Dodson Gremillion

There is a show on Tru TV, also available on Hulu and some other places of course, called Adam Ruins Everything. I love the show! It is a comedian who basically aims to debunk common misconceptions in society with facts and sources galore. So, you can guess when he did an episode called “Adam Ruins Having a Baby”, where he addressed things like having a baby over 35, formula vs break milk and postpartum depression, I was all ears, especially since it was nice to see these subjects dealt with using a little humor, the way I try to address them personally. I cannot find a free version of the episode online, but I have linked some free clips below, as well as the full episode for purchase if you do not already have free access elsewhere and want to watch. The episode had such an impact on me that I mentioned it in my book.

One thing mentioned that really resonated with me is that we know the average life expectancy was way lower not so long ago. This was mainly because of so many babies dying. Most people did not die at age 35, but the average age was drug down to 35 by so many babies and young people dying. Vaccines and other medical advances, including baby formula as mentioned in the show, eventually changed this, but it used to happen so often that parents often did not name the baby the first year in case they baby did not make it. Being a comedy show, at one point a woman is shown casually looking at her baby for the first time saying, “Nice to meet you number 4.” This part of the episode was in the postpartum depression section, because women often beat themselves up if they do not feel an instant bond with their child. The instant bond idea is a newer idea. While I do like that we are trying to bond with our children earlier, even in cases where we might or for sure will lose them to miscarriage, stillbirth or death in babyhood or childhood, as painful as it can be, this just proves that this idea that most mothers and their children always magically bond instantly has always been a myth.

Adam Ruins Everything – Why Baby Formula Isn’t Poison | truTV – YouTube

Adam Ruins Everything – You Can Still Have Babies After 35 | truTV – YouTube

Adam Ruins Having a Baby – YouTube

Bio: Amanda Dodson Gremillion published her first book in 2012. She began revising it in 2019 and republished it as Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine. The story chronicles her experience with severe postpartum OCD, anxiety and depression. Amanda is a graduate of Auburn University, and now lives in Calera, Alabama, with her husband, Jay, their daughter, Aubrie, and their two dogs, Honey Girl and Cooper. She hopes to write more books in the future. Follow Amanda’s journey on Facebook,  or twitter at https://twitter.com/AmandaGremilli2 and order her book here.  Also, follow her on the Mighty here Amanda Dodson Gremillion | The Mighty Contributor or listen to her podcast here Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine • A podcast on Anchor . You can also find her on Instagram here Amanda Dodson Gremillion (@justbuyheradress) • Instagram photos and videos.

Quirks That Didn’t Make Sense Until I was Diagnosed with OCD

Posted on by Amanda Dodson Gremillion

When I was a child I would often count how many steps it took to get across a room, or to a certain point in a room, or somewhere outside, like across a parking lot and would often try to make it across or to those certain points in a certain amount of steps . I even thought maybe if I accomplished this I would somehow have good luck or something, and if I did not, maybe something bad would happen. This continued as I aged. As a kid, I would often try to step over cracks so I did not break my mother’s back of course, and this also continued as I aged, even once I knew it would not really break her back. I have stepped on some before regardless and although she has a lot of back issues, it is not broken and I am pretty sure it is a combination of genes and her former job that caused the back issues, I hope anyways. These things are just a couple of the quirks I did not realize at first might be symptoms of obsessive compulsive disorder. At first, I thought everyone just did this.

I remember the day I went to my doctor, who also happens to have OCD, and was finally diagnosed. The truth is, this doctor had been trying to get me on medication and/or therapy for a while, but I had to hit rock bottom before I finally realized that or listened. By this point, it had gotten so severe postpartum that I did not want to live anymore, my husband had left and our marriage almost ended. I always joked about being OCD, like many often do, even some that truly are not and probably others like me, who do not realize they actually are yet. I liked things clean, I was obsessed with planners and I was a perfectionist, but these quirky things about me helped me finish college in only three years, start my first 401k at 21 and buy my first house at 22. I also became a manager by the time I was 25. I got pregnant at 25, had my daughter at 26, and by the time I was 28, the obsession over cleaning, planning and being perfect finally caught up to me. I was burnt out. As my doctor told me, some people who often excel with OCD when they are younger in school, find that marriage, parenting and careers are not often as easy to excel in. You cannot just study and get a perfect grade in any of them.

As I sat in the doctor’s office that day, I pointed out a chip in his counter and told him, that chip does not bother me because it is in his office, but if it were in a counter at my house I would be obsessing about it until it was fixed. You can imagine how many little repairs, chips, dings there probably are around your own house right now, around most houses right now. Imagine obsessing over all of them. Maybe you do or have like I did. My poor husband too, because if it was not something I could fix myself, I wanted him to like yesterday. Just as my doctor joked, my husband noticed by OCD medication was working before I even did. Ironically I have never obsessed the same way about dings on the outside of my car, although I do on the inside, probably due to looking at it more. I also love the inside of it to be clean and it starts to bother me when it is not, just like my house. My doctor suggested I watch the movie As Good As It Gets with Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt. It had come out many years before, but I had never seen it. I watched it and I loved it, and I did relate to some of the main character’s quirks. I have never been grumpy all the time or the same type of socially awkward, although socially awkward in other ways nonetheless. I have never turned lights off and on repeatedly and I am not a germaphobe, but I stepped over cracks and have had other ritualistic behaviors that affect my personal and professional life.

I try to get the last drop of toothpaste or soap out of every bottle before I throw them away. It bothers me a little when more than one is open and in use and it feels like I accomplished something when I use one up, like I kept it from being wasted. Like Jack Nicholson’s character, I am an author and I was a perfectionist. I try not to be anymore and call myself a recovering one now, but my doctor told me something once I never realized was an OCD symptom. I knew perfectionism was. However, the way he worded it really struck me, he said when you feel like other people are always slacking, you are probably OCD. This one really struck a chord with me when it came to my professional life. I often felt others did not work as hard as me. Of course, I later realized a lot of this was I often killed myself for employers who would still get rid of you in a second if needed, and then resented it when I did not get the reward I felt I deserved. Meanwhile, others realized it was your personal life that was more important, and that there is a difference in being a good employee and being a doormat.

I also eventually realized this more in my personal life. Honestly, I am still working on this every day, especially in my professional life. It was honestly easier in my personal life where I have more control, but in my professional life, I often find myself tolerating things I would never tolerate personally just to keep a paycheck coming, even if for a little while. My husband and I both found more work life balance after having a child and that has continued to remain a priority any time a job change comes up as we age. Another symptom my doctor pointed out to me was when I sent him very long emails with little to no paragraphs. He jokingly wrote me a prescription with the paragraph symbol on it once and can tell I am doing better when I send him well paragraphed emails. My brother and others have often joked with me about talking in one run on sentence in person when I get excited. This often happens when I come back from a trip and have a lot to tell someone for instance. My daughter is the same way.

I often write emails or thoughts like that out now without sending or posting them. Sometimes I send or post them later once I have added paragraphs. Writing my thoughts out like that actually helped lead to my diagnosis, my books and my blogs. These days, I still get a little pleasure when I use up a soap bottle or some toothpaste, but not as bothered when I don’t, and I rarely find myself counting steps or stepping over cracks lately. I still like a clean house and car, but do not stress as much when they are not clean anymore. We have two dogs now so I even tolerate dog hair in both, which is of course worth it for the love those two give in return. They help reduce the anxiety my OCD causes probably even more than medication and therapy ever have.

Bio: Amanda Dodson Gremillion published her first book in 2012. She began revising it in 2019 and republished it as Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine. The story chronicles her experience with severe postpartum OCD, anxiety and depression. Amanda is a graduate of Auburn University, and now lives in Calera, Alabama, with her husband, Jay, their daughter, Aubrie, and their two dogs, Honey Girl and Cooper. She hopes to write more books in the future. Follow Amanda’s journey on Facebook,  or twitter at https://twitter.com/AmandaGremilli2 and order her book here.  Also, follow her on the Mighty here Amanda Dodson Gremillion | The Mighty Contributor or listen to her podcast here Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine • A podcast on Anchor . You can also find her on Instagram here Amanda Dodson Gremillion (@justbuyheradress) • Instagram photos and videos.

The movie Marley & Me nailed it’s Depiction of Postpartum Depression

Posted on by Amanda Dodson Gremillion

The movie Marley & Me was based on a book, which was based on a real life story, which I guess should make it no surprise that it’s depiction of Postpartum Depression was pretty accurate to me. If you have not seen the movie yet, it came out in 2008 so this blog contains some spoilers. I will also warn you, some may have a hard time watching it. It is one of my favorite movies, but there is a part that deals with pregnancy loss that may be hard for some, and it does follow Marley, a dog, to the end of his life, but I personally love a good tearjerker sometimes. As someone who experienced postpartum depression myself, it felt so good to relate to the main character Jennifer Anniston played. The postpartum depression part was probably only about 10 minutes of the movie, but that is part of my point. It was one thing that happened in their life. The way she acted during that time was not the person she was, it did not define her, but I could relate to her character the entire movie. 

She was a planner, and had her whole life planned out early on, but later in life realizes, as I have, that it is the things you don’t plan that end up being the best parts of life. She wanted to have kids, she wanted to get married, she loved children and animals and was a sweet person, but after she has her second child, and is overwhelmed, she seems filled with rage. In one scene, she finally gets the baby and toddler both down to sleep, then she hears the trash man coming and knows the dog is about to start barking and wake them up. He does, and she loses it. I could totally relate, and was so relieved to see such a realistic view of postpartum depression I had not seen before, except in my own life. Her husband did not understand what happened to his former wife, until his boss suggested it might be postpartum depression. He now dreaded coming home and when he mentions the postpartum depression to her, at first, she gets angry and defensive, a normal reaction for many. 

They later have a heart to heart where she opens up about how much she had to give up to be a mom and a wife. Earlier in the movie, she was having more success than her husband when it came to their careers, but eventually she wanted to stay home with the kids, and gave it all up for her family. Her husband eventually became more and more successful, and he often started to wonder what he was missing out on as well at times, as he had a single friend who was always traveling and always with different women. One day he realizes how good he has it though, and realizes that his single friend is actually jealous of what he has. Even her husband in the movie reminded me a lot of my husband. Even though she chose being a wife and mother, she sometimes missed all she gave up too, which is normal of course, and she and her husband both admit not realizing how hard it would be sometimes. 

I personally was not able to stay at home, but at one point in my marriage, I was the breadwinner. My spouse and I have kind of taken turns in that over the years. Once we had a small child, and both of us were trying to be managers, I chose to step down from management because it was just too hard. My husband eventually changed jobs to one with much more work life balance too, even though it was still a management position, but somehow he ended up making even more than he did before and having more growth opportunities, which honestly made me a little jealous. However, I still do not regret the choice I made. When I changed jobs, my daughter was just starting school, and having a job with more work life balance allowed me to go on field trips with her, help with a class Christmas party and be involved in so many other things I would have missed otherwise. 


In the movie, it goes from showing the wife and husband talking things out, and joking no more kids for a while, to years later when they have another kid and they are all in a much better place. Kind of like the movie The Notebook, where they do not show you how they go from passionate young lovers to dying together in their 90’s, they do not show you how they got from that one point to the other, because it is a movie, and from experience I can tell you, they cannot fit all that into one movie.

Bio: Amanda Dodson Gremillion published her first book in 2012. She began revising it in 2019 and republished it as Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine. The story chronicles her experience with severe postpartum OCD, anxiety and depression. Amanda is a graduate of Auburn University, and now lives in Calera, Alabama, with her husband, Jay, their daughter, Aubrie, and their two dogs, Honey Girl and Cooper. She hopes to write more books in the future. Follow Amanda’s journey on Facebook,  or twitter at https://twitter.com/AmandaGremilli2 and order her book here.  Also, follow her on the Mighty here Amanda Dodson Gremillion | The Mighty Contributor or listen to her podcast here Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine • A podcast on Anchor . You can also find her on Instagram here Amanda Dodson Gremillion (@justbuyheradress) • Instagram photos and videos.

Mental Illness in the Movies

Posted on by Amanda Dodson Gremillion

Earlier today, I took my daughter to see a movie called Words on Bathroom Walls. I will try to avoid spoilers. It was our first time in the theater since COVID-19. That theater is more spaced out than most anyways due to being a dine in with reclining heated seats, but they also seated at only 40 percent capacity and required masks when you were not eating and drinking. Refills were temporarily gone and self serve drinks were as well, but otherwise your normal movie going experience, which I have missed. I am not schizophrenic myself, so I cannot say from personal experience how accurate the experience of someone who has it was represented in the movie. I figure they did their research though, and as someone who suffers from a different mental illness, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, which also causes Anxiety, I absolutely love that this movie portrayed someone with a mental illness in such a relatable way.  I personally did not know, and still do not a ton about schizophrenia, but I definitely think I learned a lot from the movie.

The movie we saw was one of those teenage romantic movies my daughter and I usually enjoy watching together. I honestly do not know if I have ever seen a movie about someone with such a serious mental illness from their perspective. Not only that, one that had a girlfriend, went to high school and tried his best to lead a normal life, and to even become a chef. When I think of other movies related to this mental illness, I think of horror movies, or shows and movies where the person has to be locked up in a mental institute for their safety and the safety of others. The movie brought me to tears a couple of times I admit. That is not hard to do for me though honestly, but it was so moving. There are many people in my family with different mental illnesses. I honestly judged some of them harshly before I realized I had one myself. I felt some used it as an excuse, and I honestly still feel this way about some.

Some people think I might do the same or have done the same, but for me, it was never about finding an excuse, it was about finding a cause and figuring out the solution. My family doctor has known me since I was 11 or 12, so he knows as soon as I leave his office, I am going to research whatever we just discussed and that I am a problem solver. When I realized I had severe postpartum depression about 10 years ago though, and tried to get better, this is when I also realized I also had OCD and Anxiety. I also eventually realized, this was not something you could simply cure. Like in the movie, there is no cure for schizophrenia. They hope there is one day, and in the mean time there are medications, and possibly other things that can help, but even the best medications have horrible side effects. Maintaining good mental health for me is a constant challenge. I have taken medicine for years now, in addition to other things, but I do have to change types of medicine or dosage every so often when they eventually become less effective. I also often have to deal with side effects at times. Like in the movie, sometimes these side effects may not seem as bad as what happens when you do not take the medicine, but they can still be life altering. In the movie, they make his dream career more challenging to pursue.

The character does not give up though, and I love that I could relate to him. Instead of using my mental illness as an excuse, I try to let it drive me to try even harder than most people, but it has caused many challenges at times, including in my career. Often, in movies and TV people with mental illness are portrayed as attention seeking or lazy, or as takers, and they are also often portrayed as harming people, when most people with mental illness do not. You do sometimes really see some of this in real life, but that is not the majority. Some of the most giving, hardest working, kindest people have mental illness. Mental healthy and physical health are both so important, but like it is pointed out in the movie, everyone gives you attention and sympathy when you have cancer, but often mental illness is met with the opposite reaction, even though the person did not choose to have it.

Like cancer, sometimes people can overcome mental illness, but know it might return. Sometimes people beat it and then it comes back, and sometimes they spend the rest of their life fighting it continuously or off and on, trying to live as normal of a life as they can. Being around a physically or mentally ill personal can both be depressing, and depression and some other mental illnesses can seem to be contagious, almost like physical illness. Being around a depressed person can be depressing, but when it comes to physical illness, we do not use that as an excuse to abandon the person and make them fight the illness alone. I really hope one day mental illness will be viewed the same as physical illness, and I think movies like this are getting us closer to that.

 

Bio: Amanda Dodson Gremillion published her first book in 2012. She began revising it in 2019 and republished it as Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine. The story chronicles her experience with severe postpartum OCD, anxiety and depression. Amanda is a graduate of Auburn University, and now lives in Calera, Alabama, with her husband, Jay, their daughter, Aubrie, and their two dogs, Honey Girl and Cooper. She hopes to write more books in the future. Follow Amanda’s journey on Facebook,  or twitter at https://twitter.com/AmandaGremilli2 and order her book here.  Also, follow her on the Mighty here Amanda Dodson Gremillion | The Mighty Contributor or listen to her podcast here Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine • A podcast on Anchor . You can also find her on Instagram here Amanda Dodson Gremillion (@justbuyheradress) • Instagram photos and videos.

It Feels So Good To Be Seen

Posted on by Amanda Dodson Gremillion

It feels so good to feel seen. What do I mean? When I watch the show This Is Us, and I relate so much to the character Randall, I feel seen. When one of the most popular shows on television shows what it feels like to have a panic attack and anxiety, I feel seen. When it shows how someone who seems to be so perfect and have it together, could truly fall apart at any minute from trying so hard to be perfect, I feel seen. When Randall’s dad asks him as a little boy, if he can just be a good boy because his siblings are already giving his mom and dad so much trouble, I feel seen.

When I was in my early twenties, I pinched a nerve in my shoulder falling down the stairs. At first I had trouble getting help or relief.  No one wanted to perform surgery on someone so young. I eventually found a physical therapist who helped me with my pain. When I had my wisdom teeth taken out, it made my pain worse somehow. I told this to the orthodontist who did my surgery at my one week check up. His response was, “We drilled a hole in your bone, you are going to hurt.” I went to the car and cried. I then made an appointment with that same physical therapist who had been helping me. I told him what happened, he instantly explained what was wrong, did a chiropractic adjustment and I felt instant relief. I felt seen.

Since that injury, I have grown to love massage. When the massage therapist seems to find all the places I have knots, and feels them and works on trying to make them go away, I feel seen. Sometimes, that is all people need, is to just feel seen. For so long I did not feel seen at all. I was in so much pain, but no one seemed to see it. In retrospect, they all see it now. Of course, I was trying so hard to hide it, is one reason they did not see it. I did not speak up is why they did not see it. Some were dealing with their own pain is why they did not see it.

When I went to physical therapy and got massages, I was finally asking for and getting help, and being seen. When I was at my lowest point in my severe postpartum depression many years ago, because my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Anxiety were at their worst ever, I do not recall seeing shows or stories all around me that I related to, that made me feel seen. I do recall one time though.

I was once watching One Tree Hill. The mother of one of the main character’s had died, and she was depressed. She jumped into the pool and floated to the bottom and her husband jumped in and rescued her. In another part of the show, she was sitting at their piano and knocked down a candle and just sat there as it started to burn everything around her, until her husband rescued her again. I remember watching and thinking that I could relate to that character, and the fact I could was not a good thing.

It was not too long after this I got help, but I wish there had been more moments like this earlier. Some people like to keep this stuff personal or think it should be, maybe some are ashamed, but I share my story as much I do because I do want it to be all over the internet and TV. I want people to feel seen and to know they are not going through pain alone, because it feels so good to be seen.

Bio: Amanda Dodson Gremillion published her first book in 2012. She began revising it in 2019 and republished it as Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine. The story chronicles her experience with severe postpartum OCD, anxiety and depression. Amanda is a graduate of Auburn University, and now lives in Calera, Alabama, with her husband, Jay, their daughter, Aubrie, and their two dogs, Honey Girl and Cooper. She hopes to write more books in the future. Follow Amanda’s journey on Facebook,  or twitter at https://twitter.com/AmandaGremilli2 and order her book here.  Also, follow her on the Mighty here Amanda Dodson Gremillion | The Mighty Contributor or listen to her podcast here Just Buy Her A Dress and She’ll Be Fine • A podcast on Anchor . You can also find her on Instagram here Amanda Dodson Gremillion (@justbuyheradress) • Instagram photos and videos.